21 November 2013

desirableness

for  as long as i can remember, i struggle with the notion of being desirable...
i'm rubbish at it, so it's not as if my ability is waning, or in any other way diminishing, but when i look at my daughter, who seems to have a naturalness in this area that i've never managed to find, i ask myself: why am i still bothered by it?!

women need to look desirable, in order to 'catch' the right man. this message i received from my mother a long time ago, though not spoken to me. it was more of the looks of disapproval i received that made me realise that me looking like a tomboy, refusing to 'do my hair', or any other act that would make me look more feminine, and therefore pleasing on the eye, were not the right way to go about life. teenage, as a result, was hell to me...

i just didn't get it...
i still don't...
i don't get why people look at me disapproving when i dress the way i do, that men don't ogle me the way they do - say - my cousin {tall, blonde, classic dutch woman-look}, or whatever other woman i walk next to usually... not that i want to be ogled as such, i just don't want to be stared through, ignored, treated like the unimportant side-kick... it's getting me down...

so, says my enlightened colleague: dress up! look the part! put make up on! get noticed!
ew, is then my answer... no thank you...
as i said: i don't wish to be ogled, or approved of: i want to stop feeling like i'm an undesirable for Being Me...! that's all...

another part in the long process of Life, and one that i really hope to tackle very quickly...