15 May 2016

story telling

this afternoon i found myself on a lovely walk out by the small plot of woodland near where i live. blessed i felt, delighted that the many trees and birds and flowers that i noticed were there for me to enjoy. i feel very grateful to live where i do.

then why was i feeling a little glum?

because yet again, i was walking there on my own... as i have done for as long as i can remember... even when i was in a relationship. even long before i was in a relationship. and even though i can appreciate being alone - in fact, i love being alone - then what was it about my being alone that keeps bothering me?
why am i still alone...? repeatedly alone...

there must be something that makes me convinced i don't deserve to be With Someone...
something in my beliefs that seems to make it almost impossible for me to be Not Alone... what then makes it so?
am i a horrible person to be around? i think not... not more so than others... i empathise, i show interest, i can have a laugh, i share stuff - i can be social enough...
am i smelly? again: don't think so...
am i hideously ugly?